I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
