I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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