i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
