meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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