Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
