Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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