i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
