you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
