I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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