just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
