is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
