Please, let me fuck your mom
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
