My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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