I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
