is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sobbing to NWA
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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