woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
