I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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