It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We have so much sex to catch up on
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
