Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
