found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
