I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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