You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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