even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
