im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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