of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
