I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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