Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Blood and glitter go together right?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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