I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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