Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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