OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
