RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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