we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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