The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
