You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
