I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
