I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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