don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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