walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Life is so much better after having sex.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
