Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
