Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
