Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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