Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So squirting runs in the family.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
