If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
