Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
