its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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