He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
