I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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