You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just pee around me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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