how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
