what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
