I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
